I won lots of speaking competitions at that age. But I would never play the piano in public. I tried to get my diploma in piano after a few years break in my early twenties. It was a disaster. My confidence had gone completely and I shook, my hands were sweaty and I went to pieces. After 36 years of playing the piano, I was horrified to find out that the piano player who leads the singing at church was not going to be there for a week. I would have to abandon the guitar (safe, accompanying) and play with everyone listening, and sometimes when there was no other music.
I wasn't very good. But I sang as well, and covered up the worst because I have always been able to sing. I don't have a great voice but I can hold a tune. The other week, however, I was left completely on my own, not only playing but singing on my own as well. One person ( a teacher) was marking, one was in hospital, one had a poorly mother and one was moving house. So it was just me. I wasn't very good again, but the hands are not as shaky. One year 8 girl sang aloud, a cappella today in assembly. How marvellous I thought. I know some will knock her and I thought of the times I smugly watched other singers or pianists knowing I was better. It doesn't matter, I realised, I'm not brave enough to be up there.
There is plenty of praise, as there always is when people are grateful and there's no one else to do it. I am leading again this Sunday, I have chosen songs I can play and know well enough - it will be ok. But to my shock tonight, I'm back to shaking. I was working in the kitchen and listening through the wall to some kids' talent show on tv. They were struggling to hold the notes, but then even the live music of your favourite artists can sound off key listened to later, whereas at the time, in the moment of the performance it sound phenomenal. I came into the room to ask if the performances had been great because the singing wasn't. "Well, it's better than yours." Husband said from the sofa. "I have to listen to you all the time, the same songs over and over, you should at least be good at something yourself before you criticise others."
I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. I know I can sing, I thought I could play, but just one comment from the only person whose views really matter to me sends me all to pieces. That's it, I think, I can't practise in the house any more. I don't even know if I can sing on Sunday. Why am I so weak? I trust my own judgement on some things but not my own abilities. I was expecting a bit of light hearted banter and general agreement on the quality of these singers, I thought I was being uncontroversial. Instead I learnt ...well, nothing. I don't know what I learnt, not to put my head above the parapet in case I get smacked down.
What has shocked me most is how helpless I feel towards my own daughter, I was going to ask her to sing with me on Sunday, I thought it might help to build up her confidence. I don't want to expose her to criticism and how could I if I am not prepared to do it myself? It isn't a good feeling, but I am lot more empathetic.
